Dirt

Someone called me dirt girl and I kind of love that name. Dirt is good. Life is just rising from the dirt then finding our way back. I think I got the from the lion king. I like the dirt though. It smells good. It feels good stuck in your hair. It makes you look tanner and tan girls are pretty girls and dirty girls are the best.

It feels like summer

There are a few words I keep hearing come out of my mouth

"It feels like summer"

I have my car back and all the freedom that entails. It feels like summer.

I feel like I'm back to where I was 10 months ago, booty shorts, endless boys, bumming cigarettes, driving around till late into the night music playing as loud as possible, loud enough to drive everything out. I drive slower now, my hairs a little longer,  I'm dating on guy. These seem to be the only changes.

Tonight I with the group of people I use to have fun with. We broke into shit drove around, fast back and forth between towns; we did shenanigans.
Apparently I missed the shenanigans tonight, spending to much time in my boyfriends bed, never expecting the games to start and end so quickly. Apparently too many people made those games not fun anymore.

It's 12 am and we all need sleep apparently. I don't need sleep though. I need to rage again. I want to play till responsibility and adulthood come to knock me down.

The end of summer

I always pinpoint the end of last summer to one day in the beginning of October. I woke up early to go to the Buddy Walk,  but being a bad person and sleepy on top of that from working to close the night before I couldn't peel myself out of bed. Joey comes up asking if we're leaving soon, what times it start, were going to be late. I just scoot over and pull him into bed with me. We lay there for maybe another thirty minutes or so. I tell him I'm hungry, craving panera bread. He tells me he's never been there so we have to go. We get out of bed and I consider changing out of the sweat pants and tank top I slept in. Instead I just put on a cardigan and my black uggs. I left the house in my ninja sweat pants. I never wore sweat pant out pf the house before this point besides gym class.

It was gorgeous out. The sun was out. It wasn't hot but wasn't cold either. Just perfect. We got into my car. Drove to Salisbury windows down music blasting fast. So fast. At panera bread I ate cranberry ribbon shaped bagel, for breast cancer awareness monthis and a pumpkin coffee. I felt like some grown up college kid drinking my coffee in a cardigan, my hair in that pretentious bun I wear with a headband and my hot shit attitude. Joey gets a egg cheese and steak sandwich, no egg, no cheese. When asked what kind of bread he replies uhh white? And then gets a juice box. A juice box. I roll my eyes and say i'm dating a child. I hand over my debit card. I paid back then always. I could afford to do that then and I loved that.

We ate. I pestered him to try this coffee because it was amazing, piss of the gods type shit. He wrinkled his nose in disgust. Refused. He hates coffee.

We finished and decided to go to the zoo. It was so quiet there. Earlier enough that the only other people there were the volunteers cleaning up from the Halloween thing that went on the night before. A peacock must have gotten out and we kept finding him just wondering around.

After we left I felt like I couldn't just go home or to the mall or anywhere else id been a million times in my life. We just drove. We got all the way up to umes before I decided id take a back road. My goal was to hit a quaint little town somewhere a couple hiurs south with a tea shop and a used book store and people id never seen before. What I did hit was much worse.

I couldn't have been going over forty MPH but I can't be sure. All I know is that kanye was in the radio and there was some sweet boy next to me I may or may not have been in love with. Then there was a curve in the road. Then my tires squealed. I had my foot as far back as possible on the breaks and for a minute I thought everything was still perfect. I looked over at Joey and smiled like we were going to be fine, aren't we lucky. Then the wheel twisted out of my control and we were in a ditch. Dirt was flying everywhere I felt it fly into the window and hit my face. I was always conscious but for a second my mind wasn't there. I was just screaming at Joey to get out of the car, slamming it into park. I didn't even walk out. I had to crawl. My whole body shook. Joey walked out too calmly. He as if I was okay. I just sat on the ground hugging, clinging to his legs. He called the cops. I got a ninety dollar ticket and Trixie got a $300 tow.

Joey's dad picked us up and dropped me off at my house. When I got home I was all alone, everyone else out doing something better. I latex on the couch just crying and shaking and feeling all around unstable till my parents got home. They didn't yell. Just asked what happened, called the insurance company, and got my car back home.

Later Joey came over. We laid on the couch together. He held me as I sobbed saying over and over how sorry I was. I could have killed us both. I could have killed him.

After hours and days all summer long of driving Trixie all over the state of Delaware, I ended up crashing in some ditch in Maryland.