I talk to Jesus. Jesus says im ok.

Sometimes I like to be sad. I like to be small, insignificant .I like to close my eyes and wallow in the dark, in the empty. I like loneliness. I like to cut myself off from everyone. I feel like myself alone, more than im with anyone else. There's so much to cry for in the world. These are the nights I let myself feel it all. Its ok some times to do that I think.

Mr. GrumpyPants

Dear Mr. GrumpyPants

Stop. Grumpy pants are not a good look for anyone. Try some silly pants or some stoner pants or some "i don't have anything nice to say to say I'm not going to say anything at all" pants. There's no reason to be  a bitch all the time. It helps no one. We all hate you. there is a special place in hell for people like you and it includes lots of Maud and spicy diarrhea.

Just try to be nice. It makes life so much nicer. People around you will be nicer in turn. If we all stopped being angry about everything in the world, the world would become more peaceful. Life is not that bad. The world is full of beauty and cosmic jokes.

Feel upset? Watch Tosh.0, listen to your favorite song,read The Help, read my fucking blog, but god damn it do not take it out on the rest of the beautiful people in this beautiful world.

You are beautiful. You are lovely. You are smart. You are important. You can do it. You can change the world. Just be nice please. The world will be nice back.

Love you,
Madam HappyAndRelaxedPants

New Blog?

I've been thinking about starting a new blog. I would not completely abandon this one though. This is where I get to write down my thoughts and I idea and figure stuff out. Actually this has kind of become my journal.

My new blog would be like a photo blog, I guess. I saw this post on Hellogiggles ( http://hellogiggles.com/a-year-in-3059-photos ) and it inspired me. So much happens in one year and if i just snapped a picture everyday can you imagine how much will have changed from the first to the last shot. I think that's what the new blog will be. One photo for everyday of my life. I don't know how well this will work because a new post everyday will take a lot of dedication. And i don't know how many people will be interested ,but that's not really the point I guess. This will be more for me, to help me self reflect but I would like to share with those interested. When I first conjured up this idea i did not imagine me explaining whats happening in every picture but i probably will. I'm an explainer, I know. I just don't want to get rid of this blog. I feel so dedicated to it.

I'll figure it out. Feel free to comment with some ideas, support, whatever.

You are Enough

http://youtu.be/9FkaXS9_p40

I want every person I ever come in contact with to feel good. I want you to know that inside you is a light that no one else has and your duty to the world is show it off.

This video is from the Unmask Campaign. This is their mission statement:

“Welcome to the launch of our #Unmask campaign video.

Media, advertising, Photoshop and society’s own obsession with the cult of celebrity has distorted the meaning of beauty, making us feel the pressure to look perfect and making us feel like we are not enough.

We hope to empower people to embrace who they are and let the inner light shine through, because beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and, of course, all skin types, too.

So like, share and tweet The #Unmask Manifesto, our #Unmask Facts, and this #Unmask video.

And remember: you are enough.”

I know it hard to always have confidence in the way you look. I do as well.  But it helps to remember I have thoughts in my head way more important than the pounds on my belly. I wear make up almost every day and sometimes I cant decide why I do that. Am I doing it to try to achieve others ideals of beauty? Am I doing it to look a certain way for myself. I think its a bit of both. Is that ok? I still struggle with that question. 

I'd appreciate comments on your views about beauty, make-up, fashion, anything really.

A rant for Freedom

There something inside me that yearns for more freedom. I know, this is America, probably home of the freest people in the world. I think we took that freedom and used it to bind each other down. There are so many things that are so unacceptable. We all throw strange questioning looks at people for doing what the want. We spend half our lives trying to figure out who we are, when we've had the knowledge since the very day we were born. You are you. But you're made to cover it up because somewhere along the line you learned that some part of who you are is too weird to be shared with the rest of the world. No matter how much you say you don't conform, we all have that part of us that we hid around certain people, just for comforts sake.

I dream of my self driving around, visiting bars to see bands I've never even herd of, meeting people who I'll never talk to again in my life, but will make some impact on me, seeing beautiful things, beautiful boys and girls in darkened rooms or backseats of cars. 

I have a vision of myself, in my thirty's in a cottage in the middle of the woods, just spending my days writing and reading and marveling and being. I want to only eat what I can get from the earth. I want to have friends that come over to playing me songs on the piano or guitar or the fucking accordion ( I don't care) and we'll sing together and laugh together.I want to have someone to always keep me company, to help warm my bed at night, to eat breakfast with in the morning, to crochet sweaters for. 

Most of all I hope for simplicity and freedom to be. 

Friday the 13th

Today I feel good. Really good. I must be the devil.

I feel this happiness from my tummy, up to my head radiating out of my skin.

I am singing Otis Redding. I am telling jokes. I am talking to new people.

I want to make you feel good. I want to share this insane happiness.

Here are some jokes:

Want to hear a joke about pizza? Never mind it's to cheesy

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by it's radius? Pumpkin Pi.

What did one toilet say to the other toilet? You looked flushed.

Who invented the bikini? Seymour Hiney.

Why did the baby cross the road? Because it was stapled to the chicken.

The most important revelation

I think my body started to realize i was going crazy from all the busy and noise surrounding me all the time. So it keeps waking my up around 3 or 4 o'clock every morning. I'm not one for getting up early but this is nice. I don't have to be up so I can lie around for a while nuzzling further into my warm pillows and snuggling up into a Caterpillar in my blankies. Then when my body inevitably ignites with energy and hunger I can get up to enjoy my lucky charms in the quiet; the beautiful still quiet. Then I can put on some Julia Nunes, because there's nothing like Ukuleles to set the tone for the day, and write. I can write like I used to, without drugs fogging up my brain.

This morning I thought sat and thought about my life. What am I doing with it? I have motivation but no direction. I'm going to college, a good college, a good college that gave me a scholarship. I had no problem getting glorious reviews from teachers in their recommendations. People believe in me. I don't know what to do with that faith. I do fine in school for the next few years, but after graduation... every thing's unknown. Sometimes because I can't see beyond that point I'm sure that that's all my life will be; that after I cross the stage to get my final college degree, I'll drop dead from sheer lack of other plans. Today though I see it doesn't matter what I do. I am what I'm suppose to be. By living in my own mind and my own body I'm all I'm ever going to be. I may change how I define and label what that is but forever this is what I have. I'm going to do whatever the fuck I feel like in life because why do anything else? My life is going to be filled with my projects and creations because that's what I am. I make things. I start projects and abandon them when I lose interest, then pick it up again when the times right. I'll make worlds out of words and finger paint and puppets and what ever else I get to down the road. And if I end up eating spaghettios for dinner every night and never getting a "real job" that will be fine because when I die I'll have done what the universe put me here for. I'm here to create.

Today I have never felt so comfortable and so confident in my entire life. Find what you are. It's a good feeling.

uninspired

I feel uninspired. Never have i felt so uncreative, so bored, so grey in my life.

I wear the same outfit everyday. tee shirt scarf jeans Uggs

I do the same things everyday. go to school stand or sit around awkwardly for about 7 hours go home sleep

I think the same things. nothing shallow thoughts about my self and others nothing

I used to have fun getting dressed. Putting together something weird to wear, cutting up clothes, painting them, tie dye. One of my favorite activities used to be coming up with different ways to wrap a scarf around my head.

I used to write and sing and paint and write and write and write and write.

Then I would think about how I felt and who I was. I would think about why Church didn't fulfill my like it fulfilled every one else . I wondered about bad people. And the earth. I thought about the earth and how i was part of it all and how that was such a beautiful thing; how no matter how ugly the world could be, it always still gets better. If you know where to look you can always find the sun.

Clinically speaking I was "depressed". I hate that word. It means sad, but i wasn't sad. i was happy being in my own head. I liked sleeping. I liked that my mind could take me to these dark places and I could wallow in that darkness long enough to write about it, but pull myself out before the darkness consumed me. I didn't cut myself or try to kill myself or hurt anyone.

A bit of darkness just lived inside me and I was okay with that.

I'm on pills now. They make going to school a lot easier and being with people a lot easier and just living in general a lot easier.

But they took a lot away from me. I can't think anymore; not like I used to.

Dust

I've been reading the bell jar. I'm not that far into it but it seems to be getting darker and darker. This is my kind of stuff; really dismal.

One quote really caught my attention though. Buddy asks Esther if she knows what a poem is. She replies "No, what?"
"A piece of dust."
She imagines herself telling him," So are those cadavers you cut up. Sop are the people you think you're curing. they're dust as dust as dust. I wrecken a good poem last a whole lot longer than a hundred of those people put together."

But instead we she says nothing.

I think this really reflects how our society regards all art. We ignore it or, at the least, throw it askew because we believe there are so many more important in life.

We don't look for a career that fulfills us artistically, but monetarily.
We read and listen and make music and books purely for entertainment all the time never considering the implications it has of us as people, or even worse, what it could be doing for us.
People are superficial. They want to look good to their friends and even better for their enemies.

Further more people don't even know how to appreciate beauty anymore. Everything is beautiful and perfect originally but people analyze it. They take it apart till it's no longer wonderful. Science is not the enemy of art but if we don't learn how to make it complement nature and beauty and art, it will destroy it.

When we all die, nothing we did will really matter. A new generation will come to criticize it and improve what we left them. We have to leave them something beyond a world without mystery and where people have to much control over anything. People need to create, have something to contribute the universe. We need to learn to glorify this world, this beautiful world, so that when we are gone, they remember.

Alcohol and Ass

I hope my boyfriend's not reading this. Joey if you are stop it now. And if you do read it don't get all pissy with me about it. Fair warning: I did nothing wrong, but this could get uncomfortable.

I woke up this morning at 2 pm. Then the girl of my dreams cooked me chocolate chip pancakes and took me to the movies. This is the good life.

It's new years day. Last night I didn't get drunk or party or go out at all. Me and my best friend put on party hats, blew up balloons and sat in her living room with her dad and little brother to watch the ball drop. The only alcohol involved was a tiny flute of champagne her father poured for us each after the ball dropped. Then we popped the balloons and watched Insidious (which is really the scariest movie I've ever fucking saw) and went to bed.

I'm not going to preach. I've gotten drunk before. Partying really does look like fun. I just don't get invited to things like that. Which is pretty bittersweet. Not getting invited to things and not being "in" just doesn't feel too great, obviously. I know though if people recognized my awesomeness and saw me as a proper valid "cool" teenager, and by some chance I was invited to one of these parties, I know I would go and I would get shitfaced. When I drink, I do it to get fucked up. I'm anxious person, constantly worrying, and it feels good to do that. When I get drunk, I get touchy and flirty and super sexual. It takes nothing to get my clothes off. Last time I was drunk, it got late and I tried to drive home. Thank god the boy I was with wouldn't let me until we had had sex enough for me to sober up.

If I was a party-er I would be stupid. I would hurt people and kill myself.

Today I did not wake up with a hangover. I woke up with my best friend.

I guess my alcohol could be sex though. It makes me do some really dumb stuff too.

I've cheated on every boyfriend I've ever had except one.

Tonight a boy joined us at the movies. He was not bad looking. He was going into the army. He was funny. He bragged about how good he was in bed. He was courting my best friend.

I wanted him, real bad.

I kept telling my friend that she should date him or fuck him. She just wasn't into it. This made me more into it.

I have a boyfriend. I should not be thinking these things. I should be thinking about him. I shouldn't be laughing like this, flipping my hair and batting my lashes. I should be texting him and telling him i miss him. I shouldn't be wanting this ginger boy with honey eyes. I have a beautiful strong cuddly cocoa brown boyfriend who I'm in love with and always want.

But my boyfriend went to a party last night. A party thrown by a girl who thinks I'm a hoe and who made it clear to me that I was not wanted there. He spent the night too. I trust him. I know nothing happened but still I was bothered. Not by the fact that he may or may not been there flirting and kissing and only god knows what else with some other girl. It bothered me that he didn't notice that I really wasn't doing much that night and still chose to spend it with some other girl, who had said mean things about me ,who had made me feel bad about myself, who really didn't care that she hurt my feelings. Now I never want my boyfriend to feel like he can't be friends with someone just because I don't like them. But why doesn't he realize it hurt me that he's friends with someone that doesn't like me so much that they would hurt me.

He probably doesn't realize that I feel this way. and I'm not going to tell him. I'm not going to try to control him. I don't want to be the girlfriend he loses friends over.

I'm still bothered. Last time I cheated a boyfriend, I was bothered.

I've cheated on every boyfriend I've ever had

except for one.

One I love in a way I've never loved anyone before; powerfully, with every fiber in my being, passionately, in a way that it feels like no matter what I want to be with him and I feel like the universe wants that too. I love him in a way that makes me want to dress in white and before God pledge my heart to him and have little tan  babies with his eyes and my nose and his quiet friendliness and my stoic thoughtfulness. I love him in a way that would never let me cause him pain because that would cause me pain.

No matter how good this boy looks I can't hurt my boyfriend.

Today is new year. I'm starting off strong, with whats important in clear view.

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