silly 17 year old girl

i feel insane with infatuation.

and i hate to be that girl.

i want to be the girl who can be in a relationship and not let it completely flood her brain with a constant strain of thoughts of my significant other, and general giddiness. i want no drama. no problems. living my life free as the wind.

none of it is going right. i like him alot definitly but then theres all these problems in the way of us just being together.

i hate what ever is making me write this. why is romantic love so important to people? why is that so ingrained in our nature? why is this relationship most of what ive been thinking about, when its my senior year of high school and there is so much more important things to worry about?

i use to not care. boys were just for fun in the back of darkened backseats of cars and shameless flirting at every opportunity.

i wish i was fortune teller

what am i doing? i feel like im going through my life without any real plans but i know i have some type of goal. im scared for the future but i cant wait for it. i feel like im just waiting, waiting for the end of high school, waiting for real adulthood, waiting for my life to just get better. i know whats important to me and what i want my life to be but how to make that happen is a complete mystery to me.  i want to read ad write beautiful stories with meaning. i want to learn about all different types of life. i want to see the world.  how am i suppose to do with that. theres not really a career i can make out of that. it reminds me of this one song by kimya dawson. one line is i hope one day you get paid for being kimya dawson.

im scared. what if i dont get into college and i just end up working at the same place i do now for the rest of my life and i have to live with my parents and i never make it out of delaware. 

listen to my rants because im an insomniac.

its two am and i cant sleep
i guess its as good a time as any to start blogging because, believe you me,  my life is so interesting

if you are reading this, I'm thoroughly embarassed ,but hey whats the internet for, if not embarassing people. its just that im really self concious when i write because, unless its some required assignment i couldnt care less about, im inable to lie. if i lie, theres no passion or voice and i know i just contributed one more peice of shit to float around the world. just brace yourself this is most likely gonna get real personal real quick because how else am i suppose to show you how i percieve the world?

did you know that the title for this blog ,my surrealistic pillow, came from an older album and it not some clever hipster bullshit i came up with? its jefferson airplane. look them up if youve never heard them but you probably have and didnt realize it if you think you havent. i love older music like them. the rolling stones, the doors. i feel like that era of music was so much more socially concious compared to what most people listen to now. that decline is a bit saddening