I watched garden state last night. By the end of it I was bawling and I never bawl. I'm not much for crying especially over movies. I'm a boulder emotionally. Steady. Gray. Unmovable. This movie got to me though. I felt as if Zach Braff had written a story about how I had felt my whole life. He had reach into me and pulled out a hidden bit that I thought I alone only had. We all have it though. This sense of waiting. We are always planning. We go to school for years, preparing to live some life that we hope will make us happy. We pull people into and out of our life depending on how they fit into those future plans. We are always waiting for some truer life to start for us, but this is it. We are alive and this is our lives and the constant fight we all face everyday to try to make it bearable is never going to stop.
This is what i got from this movie. It's nicely wrapped up. He gets the girl in the end and stays with her. happy ending.
That didnt give me that much hope though, like it was probably intended to.
Instead it reminded me how isolated I feel from everyone. I have some friends. I have a boyfriend who I love so much. I have a family. I still never feel like I'm apart of anything. I'm not needed. If I was never part of any of these people's lives, nothing would be that different for them. More so I feel like I don't need them. Forever I have been the most important person in my life. Everything I do I do for myself and I hate having to rely on anyone for anything.
Ths is why it's so hard for me to make friends. As cliched and stupid as it sounds I do not let people really in. Last night I called my boyfriend crying. I told him how sad I felt. Whenever I present him with problems he always tries to fix them for me. I can't stand that. I'm not sure what I want him to do though. I told him that I didn't feel needed. He said he needed me. I didn't know how to tell him he really doesnt though. He has so many friends and girls that would gladly fill what ever hole I would leave in his life, probably fill it better than I do. They would be stumbling around constantly in a state of numbness, getting drunk and high and fucking just to feel something. I couldn't verbolize how I felt so I just sat on the phone and let him listen to me cry. I said that that must be annoying. He said he stays on the phone with people, not talking all the time; people need the company. I guess that what I want most of all someone to be sad with me. I feel like I'm standing alone on the edge of some cliff and i just want someone to stand with me.
Not only do i feel alone though, I'm overwhelmed that this is life. I'm sick of fighting for everything. I'm sick of working. I'm sick of worring about the future all the time. It's getting in the way of my now but I feel like there is no way to stop.
Don't worry, im not going to kill myself.
What makes me saddest is this isolated restless feeling dosent just lie in me. Garden State's a hugely popular movie. The feeling's and issues it brings up must have resonated with a lot of people.
We all walk arounding wondering what the point to life. Why are we here? all that shit. The truth is that there really is no point. We all just walk around with an expiration date stamped on our foreheads.
No comments:
Post a Comment