I'm in love. So i want to write epic love stories that will make you puke in your mouth. If you have a weak stomach or are already feeling nauseous i would stop reading now.
Once upon a time was a weird awkward ninth grader. I was at a new school and I had very few friends. this made the depression i had been suffering all my life seem much scarier because not only was I fight a huge darkness hanging over my head, I was fighting all alone. This was pretty much the story for the greater part of my freshmen year. Then some crazy stuff happened and I got put on anti-depressants. That's when i found it easier to talk to people and much to my surprise people liked me.
Now i had friend. His name was Alec. Alec was weird and i like weird. One day before he walked to his bus, he kissed every single one of his friends on the check. I thought this was such a pleasant surprise, I thought I would surprise others in a similar way.
I went through this phase around this time where i would lick people's face when I hugged them. It was strange but a sign of affection.
I hugged a lot of my friends this way before they boarded the bus and licked their faces.
Some how I got shoved into the arms of some Junior boy I had never met before. He had dark skin and really white straight teeth. His skin was salty as I slid my tongue across it.
He was nice. I realized this as he simply just pulled away from me and laughed, instead of being pissed off and disgusted like experience has told me many would have done.
Then the obnoxious blow of the bus' horn sounded, signaling that we were all suppose to run to the loud over crowed buses and go home. I smiled and said bye to this boy who had been introduced to me as Joey. I knew then that I wanted him in my life. I wanted to absorb his kindness, absorb the very sun shining off his skin.
Somehow or another me and Joey grew somewhat close before the summer.
During the summer we hung out at my house. We were both awkward teenagers at this point. He could over we would play guitar hero. I would dress in baggy, unattractive clothes out of consideration.
One night when I feeling unusually brave I texted him and told him I liked him. He did not return the feeling much to my sad frizzy haired teenager over emotional dismay. He was so kind in his rejection though I did not want to make things weird for us so I uncharacteristically did not flirt even one bit while we were together.
Finally though he came around. Through awkward text messages, in the middle of the summer I was 15, I got my first serious boyfriend.
It was so long ago, I really do not remember much from it. I remember being more nervous than I'd ever been making out with him. Sure I was not a stranger to the art of dangling my tongue in someone else's mouth but never ever ever ever had I laid in bed with someone on the very brink of manhood, someone who had already had sex. This was serious stuff. Should I act older? Did he expect me to have sex with him? Would my lackluster handjobs be a worthy compromise?
I poured over my mothers back issues of Cosmo. Learning how to be too sexy for a 15 year old, learning how running my fingers though his hair as we kissed would make him crazy, how to twist my hands and touch his junk so maybe he wouldn't need to go further. I was a nerd through and through. If i didn't feel comfortable in a subject, I studied till i felt I could do whatever act in practice.
This was all for nothing really. He didn't want to have sex with me because we just weren't in the right place for that. I was still a youngin with stars in my eyes, believing sex to be some act of magic.
As the summer grew cooler we spent hours in his room, embraced with innocent kisses, him introducing me to weird Red Vs. Blue videos. I took a trip to Florida and planned to call him and tell him I loved him for the first time before I got on the plane, in my usual melodramatic fashion. I chickened out at the last minute though and just waited till i got back and blurted it out before he went to get me another slice of pizza.
Finally the fall came though. We almost avoided each other in school. I was weird with his friends and didn't really want to hang out with him. Looking back it was easy to see the way we just kind of floated away from each other. I really did think there was some magically impenetrable bond between us though.
Apparently I was wrong. The Monday after homecoming he walked me to my sisters car after school. I thought he was acting weird as we waited for my sister to come unlock the door. I don't remember exactly how the conversation started. I remember him saying something doesn't feel right anymore. As my sister walked up to the car, unlocked the door and stepped in, I knew I was going to be broken up with. Then he bitched on me saying well talk about this later. I didn't like that. I didn't want to have to wait for a heart break. No If you have something to say, just say it now I told him.
He said something to the effect of wed be better off friends.
I cried in front of my sister for the first time in years, all the way home.
This was the first time id ever been broken up with and it hurt. At the time i really was unclear about why it happened and to be honest I still kind of am. I got through it though, reading twilight, singing sad songs, and finally just moving, realizing nothing was going to change between us. He tried talking to me, but i couldn't do it. I need time to stop seeing him as my love interest and start seeing him as just some really nice guy.
I dated a few other guys in between. Nothing special. I went to a Navy Ball with some sweet awkward boy who i would consequently date for a few weird months.
Finally after the dark winter months, summer shined upon me. It was the end of the school year. I found some way to become comfortable and friendly with Joey again.
Then something happened. i not sure how or why but before Joey graduated, we were dating again. I showed up at his graduation with flowers. We talked about his plans for next year. We spent time at his house and at my house laying on the couch together. I did thing with him, I had never done with anyone before. We cried together before he went off to college in New York.
Then something else happen. While he was away at college, I started my junior year of high school, probably the best year in my high school career. While my boyfriend was away, I seemed to forget I had a boyfriend. I never cheated on him, but I wanted to. I was always flirting and boys were my favorite thing. I called Joey up one night and told him I couldn't be in a relationship anymore. This was right before homecoming.
During this break, I only dated one boy but I hooked up with plenty more. As I said, Junior year was the best. I had a car. I had boyfriends, I had actual friends, I had a job. Most importantly though, I had this new confidence. For some reason I just started acting more like myself, instead of the modified version I used in hopes people would like me. I met Kenny at a friend's party. He was in a band and he liked the same music I did and he was weird like i was. We started dating on Halloween. He wasn't exactly good for me. He had a job but spend all his money on cigarettes and weed, so i ended up paying for everything. I got high with him. I'd smoked weed before we dated but now it was a constant thing, most of my free time was spent high. Me and him broke up before march rolled around.
Me and Joey were friends again. He took me to prom and we planned on having sex afterward. We got to my house and ,strangely no one was home. I need him to help take off my dress. My heart pounded as we walked up the stairs. He undid the ties on my dress and slide my zipper down as my hands shook. as I stood there in front of him in my bra and panties, that dress that was too expensive laying on the floor, he started kissing me.
I had to stop. I told him i couldn't do it. It didn't feel right. I remained a virgin for a while longer. I got dressed and he changed and we walked around laurel just talking and then spent the night at my friends house in a tent with her and her boyfriend.
When the summer came, Joey came home from college. This summer we did not date, we just hooked up quite often. I would get off work at around 12 in the morning and would drive over to wear he worked to hook up on his break.
One night I got off at ten and him and some friends came to see me right before, after they had been out. I asked Joey if he wanted to hang out.
I left work, got taco bell and headed to him place.
We spent the night driving around. I told him how I felt alone, how I feel out of place now, how I feel like I'm always waiting for things to get better. Somehow we made it to Lewis beach.
We got out of the car and I changed into real clothes and we walked out to the water. There we found people already out in the water, even though it was 1 am. They were all drunk. One guy offered us a bottle of whiskey and called us Tarzan and Jane. We didn't drink. We all stood around talking about where we are from and where were going. One man was swimming and told us he was going to swim straight across the water to England. I informed him we were in the bay and he could only get to New Jersey.
Some how or another the men started fighting. Me and joey made a swift exit. we went to Wawa for food and I saw a boy I had a serious crush on and I found out you could get pancakes from wawa.
Then we went to a neighboring beach and walked the board walk and streets and in the sand. We wanted to see the sun rise but this beach was too bright with street lamps and shop signs.
We thought it would be safe to go back to Lewis. We laid a blanket out and started kissing and making out and I knew the time was right. I told him we should have sex. He ran to the car to get a condom and I started feel a little childish and embarrassed as I lay alone on a blanket my mom made with my shirt pulled up.
It was painful. I had to tell him to stop.
We got dressed and just laid there for a while, watching the sun rise. We found a stingray flipped on it's back floating, nearly drowning, seagulls swooping down toward him, in the water and joey flipped him back over. He was missing legs though and was having trouble staying afloat.
Since it was morning figure we aught to head back home. We stopped to get donuts and I dropped Joey off.
Then I had to go home and face the trouble I was in. Much to my surprise, i wasn't really in all that much trouble. I got yelled at some but my mom let me sleep most of the day.
Even if it had been worse though I still think it would have been worth it. Those are the kind of nights that make people who they are. They are the kind of nights people live for. The kind of nights were you get to be completely alive and who you are.I didn't stay out all night because I'm a rebellious teenager. I didn't express the sad lonely undertones of my life because I need attention or thought he could somehow fix me. I didn't have sex because I was in love or because I'm a whore. I did it because I fucking felt like it, the only reason anyone should do anything. That's how you find out who you are and should be.
For the next month or so everything was good. I felt more grown up somehow, definitely more comfortable in my own body. I felt like a woman finally. I made choices for myself. I slept and did whatever the fuck I wanted with whoever the fuck I wanted to do. I felt so liberated.
Then I felt too grown up and started acting dumb.
I worked at this produce stand every so often over the summer in a town about an hour away from where I live. I was working one Friday and knew that when I got off I didn't just want to go home. Luckily enough i had a friend who lived in this city and knew he would take me out.
I got off and bought a shirt that wasn't covered in dirt and rotten vegetable juice and drove to his house. When I got there he handed me the cigarettes I'd asked him to pick me up. I lite one up and he hooped on the back of his scooter and turned it on and told me to get on the back. Do you know how hard it is to smoke on the back of a moving scooter? Hard.He waited for me to finish at a stop sign.
I didn't wear a helmet on the scooter, which scared me a little bit.
We went out for pizza and talked and then walked along the boardwalk and talked then sat in the sand and talked. I remember holding his hand through out the night, which now makes me anxious because of the actions intimacy.
Then we went back to his house. He made me sea breezes in his bay side house, half filled with some coconut rum. I've never drank before, so soon enough I was totally obliterated, rubbing my ass on his dick to the rap music he'd put on sometime in the night, while I was busy downing another glass. Soon enough i couldn't even stand up. We sat on the couch and I laid back on his lap and he kissed me. Like some whore I started rubbing the crotch of his pants and kissing his neck. The next thing I knew he was helping me up the stairs and into his bed. We were kissing and i was instructing him to remove articles of my clothing. I'm not going to explain anymore. I sure you can imagine what happened next.
After the knocking of the boots, he was quick to jump up and take a shower. I didn't like that. It made me feel dirty. I hated laying in that bed alone like that. Truth be told though, I had enjoyed myself. The sex was amazing. As a person I didn't really like this person. He was kind of a douche bag, but when we came together though it was like magic. He gave really good head too which is definitely something I love for in a man.
I not really sure what happened. I know we had sex one more time then it was four o'clock in the morning and i thought i should probably get home. I thought I was sober enough to drive but looking back I'm not really sure because I vaguely remember yelling at a lady in the Millsboro MacDonald's drive through because their friers were broken and I couldn't get any fries and then stumbling into a royal farms and being pissed because the deli was no longer open. Then I went home for some of that deep darkness death slumber and woke up completely still happy and good. This night of deviancy did not bring me down. This is where i started to see the difference between fucking and
love making and realized both can be pretty fulfilling.
The aftermath of this event was ridiculous. Joey and me where talking and I mention what had happened that night. Joey has never been angry with anyone really. He was angry about that. For a while he wouldn't even talk to me. Apparently he had a problem with me also sleeping with his friends. I guess we had discussed it, but generally speaking when it came to hooking up, i didn't follow rules. Hook-ups were purely for pleasure. I wanted to do what i wanted to do.
After about a month, finally I texted him and told him I was sick of the silence we should get to together and talk because the whole situation was pissing me off as well. I hated drama and I hated that he thought he could tell me who to sleep with. Technically we were only friends and he had no claim to my vagina.
One day after school I picked him up and we went for a drive. I told exactly what i wrote above and he explained to me that he felt too jealous to really want anything to do with me because he knew I wouldn't stop doing anything just because he had a problem with it. Maybe that made me a bad friend but we weren't exactly friends, were we? Eventually he said it'd be best if we stayed out of each others pants.
Then I did something which I'd never done in front of any boy before.
I cried.
I felt somehow betrayed, unwanted. I didn't know how to just be friends with Joey. Always,always, always he had been more than a friend to me.
He started rubbing my shoulder awkwardly. I told him to stop and got him home as quickly as I could.
I went home and I know I was sad about this. I don't remember much about this period though. I guess there was still more anger and me not trying to talk to him and him still trying to talk to me though because that's it always is when we broke up before. Nothing really phased him it seemed. He never got sick of dealing with my crap. Soon enough we were talking and even hooked up once like wed decided not to.
Then one of my friends had a bonfire and we were both there. I was for what ever reason somewhat sad that night and was looking for someone to hook up with to no avail. I ended up like about half the party goers sleeping in her living room floor. Somehow or another me and joey ended up laying next to one another and you can probably imagine all the fornicating that happened subsequently.
Afterward though, we were just laying there and holding each other and really not saying anything. This feels incredibly intimate. Almost too intimate to put on a blog, even though countless times I've talked about sex. But that's why i want to share it, to show that I have seen the difference between intimacy and fucking and everyone should because intimacy is the way you fall in love. the danger is not in having sex.
I looked him in his face and i told him right there, some monster of emotion swelling in my stomach, my finger tips trying to grip onto this moment to capture the tingling feeling left on my skin, i told him, " I know this is crazy to say. We aren't even dating but I love you" I had said I love you to others before and even to joey before but never had it ever felt so right and true to say. Never in my life had i riped my beating heart right out of my chest and handed it to someone who hasn't shown any real investment in me yet and could easily crush it.
If he stayed silent I would have got up and left and went home and cut him out of my life forever. I wouldn't text him. I'd unfriend him on facebook. Whenever someone mentioned him I'd say " Joey who? I don't think I know him?" and ignore any attempt to make me remember. the only time i would let myself remember him would be when the lights were out and i was alone in my room and i could cry and cry and cry over the whole that surely would be left in my chest.
but he wasn't silent.
he said he loved me back.
which is why I'm writing this. With him i have a love story all my own. So epic and beautiful even in it ordinary-ness. Something that i want to share with everyone. I'm in love. I'm in love and i don't care who knows it. I have watching Kevin hart till the wee hours of the morning. I have climbing to the tops of the abandon buildings, i have sexy sexy time all the time because we never get sick of devouring one another. I have unafraid talks about the future and marriage and babies and dogs and houses on the ocean and Knowing, even when knowing completely kills me inside, that someday he will leave me to fight for our country in some stupid war i probably wont even believe in and knowing i will wait for him to return, counting every second hes away. Most of all I have someone who knows all the shit that comes with me and still loves me and want to take this broken girl and make her smile, make her feel better and miraculously can do it.
I cannot wait to grow up and pledge to this man that I'll forever be his.
I've always said i never wanted to get married because it's forever and I'm afraid of saying yes to something forever. but with him forever isn't scary. It's a necessity.
Once upon a time was a weird awkward ninth grader. I was at a new school and I had very few friends. this made the depression i had been suffering all my life seem much scarier because not only was I fight a huge darkness hanging over my head, I was fighting all alone. This was pretty much the story for the greater part of my freshmen year. Then some crazy stuff happened and I got put on anti-depressants. That's when i found it easier to talk to people and much to my surprise people liked me.
Now i had friend. His name was Alec. Alec was weird and i like weird. One day before he walked to his bus, he kissed every single one of his friends on the check. I thought this was such a pleasant surprise, I thought I would surprise others in a similar way.
I went through this phase around this time where i would lick people's face when I hugged them. It was strange but a sign of affection.
I hugged a lot of my friends this way before they boarded the bus and licked their faces.
Some how I got shoved into the arms of some Junior boy I had never met before. He had dark skin and really white straight teeth. His skin was salty as I slid my tongue across it.
He was nice. I realized this as he simply just pulled away from me and laughed, instead of being pissed off and disgusted like experience has told me many would have done.
Then the obnoxious blow of the bus' horn sounded, signaling that we were all suppose to run to the loud over crowed buses and go home. I smiled and said bye to this boy who had been introduced to me as Joey. I knew then that I wanted him in my life. I wanted to absorb his kindness, absorb the very sun shining off his skin.
Somehow or another me and Joey grew somewhat close before the summer.
During the summer we hung out at my house. We were both awkward teenagers at this point. He could over we would play guitar hero. I would dress in baggy, unattractive clothes out of consideration.
One night when I feeling unusually brave I texted him and told him I liked him. He did not return the feeling much to my sad frizzy haired teenager over emotional dismay. He was so kind in his rejection though I did not want to make things weird for us so I uncharacteristically did not flirt even one bit while we were together.
Finally though he came around. Through awkward text messages, in the middle of the summer I was 15, I got my first serious boyfriend.
It was so long ago, I really do not remember much from it. I remember being more nervous than I'd ever been making out with him. Sure I was not a stranger to the art of dangling my tongue in someone else's mouth but never ever ever ever had I laid in bed with someone on the very brink of manhood, someone who had already had sex. This was serious stuff. Should I act older? Did he expect me to have sex with him? Would my lackluster handjobs be a worthy compromise?
I poured over my mothers back issues of Cosmo. Learning how to be too sexy for a 15 year old, learning how running my fingers though his hair as we kissed would make him crazy, how to twist my hands and touch his junk so maybe he wouldn't need to go further. I was a nerd through and through. If i didn't feel comfortable in a subject, I studied till i felt I could do whatever act in practice.
This was all for nothing really. He didn't want to have sex with me because we just weren't in the right place for that. I was still a youngin with stars in my eyes, believing sex to be some act of magic.
As the summer grew cooler we spent hours in his room, embraced with innocent kisses, him introducing me to weird Red Vs. Blue videos. I took a trip to Florida and planned to call him and tell him I loved him for the first time before I got on the plane, in my usual melodramatic fashion. I chickened out at the last minute though and just waited till i got back and blurted it out before he went to get me another slice of pizza.
Finally the fall came though. We almost avoided each other in school. I was weird with his friends and didn't really want to hang out with him. Looking back it was easy to see the way we just kind of floated away from each other. I really did think there was some magically impenetrable bond between us though.
Apparently I was wrong. The Monday after homecoming he walked me to my sisters car after school. I thought he was acting weird as we waited for my sister to come unlock the door. I don't remember exactly how the conversation started. I remember him saying something doesn't feel right anymore. As my sister walked up to the car, unlocked the door and stepped in, I knew I was going to be broken up with. Then he bitched on me saying well talk about this later. I didn't like that. I didn't want to have to wait for a heart break. No If you have something to say, just say it now I told him.
He said something to the effect of wed be better off friends.
I cried in front of my sister for the first time in years, all the way home.
This was the first time id ever been broken up with and it hurt. At the time i really was unclear about why it happened and to be honest I still kind of am. I got through it though, reading twilight, singing sad songs, and finally just moving, realizing nothing was going to change between us. He tried talking to me, but i couldn't do it. I need time to stop seeing him as my love interest and start seeing him as just some really nice guy.
I dated a few other guys in between. Nothing special. I went to a Navy Ball with some sweet awkward boy who i would consequently date for a few weird months.
Finally after the dark winter months, summer shined upon me. It was the end of the school year. I found some way to become comfortable and friendly with Joey again.
Then something happened. i not sure how or why but before Joey graduated, we were dating again. I showed up at his graduation with flowers. We talked about his plans for next year. We spent time at his house and at my house laying on the couch together. I did thing with him, I had never done with anyone before. We cried together before he went off to college in New York.
Then something else happen. While he was away at college, I started my junior year of high school, probably the best year in my high school career. While my boyfriend was away, I seemed to forget I had a boyfriend. I never cheated on him, but I wanted to. I was always flirting and boys were my favorite thing. I called Joey up one night and told him I couldn't be in a relationship anymore. This was right before homecoming.
During this break, I only dated one boy but I hooked up with plenty more. As I said, Junior year was the best. I had a car. I had boyfriends, I had actual friends, I had a job. Most importantly though, I had this new confidence. For some reason I just started acting more like myself, instead of the modified version I used in hopes people would like me. I met Kenny at a friend's party. He was in a band and he liked the same music I did and he was weird like i was. We started dating on Halloween. He wasn't exactly good for me. He had a job but spend all his money on cigarettes and weed, so i ended up paying for everything. I got high with him. I'd smoked weed before we dated but now it was a constant thing, most of my free time was spent high. Me and him broke up before march rolled around.
Me and Joey were friends again. He took me to prom and we planned on having sex afterward. We got to my house and ,strangely no one was home. I need him to help take off my dress. My heart pounded as we walked up the stairs. He undid the ties on my dress and slide my zipper down as my hands shook. as I stood there in front of him in my bra and panties, that dress that was too expensive laying on the floor, he started kissing me.
I had to stop. I told him i couldn't do it. It didn't feel right. I remained a virgin for a while longer. I got dressed and he changed and we walked around laurel just talking and then spent the night at my friends house in a tent with her and her boyfriend.
When the summer came, Joey came home from college. This summer we did not date, we just hooked up quite often. I would get off work at around 12 in the morning and would drive over to wear he worked to hook up on his break.
One night I got off at ten and him and some friends came to see me right before, after they had been out. I asked Joey if he wanted to hang out.
I left work, got taco bell and headed to him place.
We spent the night driving around. I told him how I felt alone, how I feel out of place now, how I feel like I'm always waiting for things to get better. Somehow we made it to Lewis beach.
We got out of the car and I changed into real clothes and we walked out to the water. There we found people already out in the water, even though it was 1 am. They were all drunk. One guy offered us a bottle of whiskey and called us Tarzan and Jane. We didn't drink. We all stood around talking about where we are from and where were going. One man was swimming and told us he was going to swim straight across the water to England. I informed him we were in the bay and he could only get to New Jersey.
Some how or another the men started fighting. Me and joey made a swift exit. we went to Wawa for food and I saw a boy I had a serious crush on and I found out you could get pancakes from wawa.
Then we went to a neighboring beach and walked the board walk and streets and in the sand. We wanted to see the sun rise but this beach was too bright with street lamps and shop signs.
We thought it would be safe to go back to Lewis. We laid a blanket out and started kissing and making out and I knew the time was right. I told him we should have sex. He ran to the car to get a condom and I started feel a little childish and embarrassed as I lay alone on a blanket my mom made with my shirt pulled up.
It was painful. I had to tell him to stop.
We got dressed and just laid there for a while, watching the sun rise. We found a stingray flipped on it's back floating, nearly drowning, seagulls swooping down toward him, in the water and joey flipped him back over. He was missing legs though and was having trouble staying afloat.
Since it was morning figure we aught to head back home. We stopped to get donuts and I dropped Joey off.
Then I had to go home and face the trouble I was in. Much to my surprise, i wasn't really in all that much trouble. I got yelled at some but my mom let me sleep most of the day.
Even if it had been worse though I still think it would have been worth it. Those are the kind of nights that make people who they are. They are the kind of nights people live for. The kind of nights were you get to be completely alive and who you are.I didn't stay out all night because I'm a rebellious teenager. I didn't express the sad lonely undertones of my life because I need attention or thought he could somehow fix me. I didn't have sex because I was in love or because I'm a whore. I did it because I fucking felt like it, the only reason anyone should do anything. That's how you find out who you are and should be.
For the next month or so everything was good. I felt more grown up somehow, definitely more comfortable in my own body. I felt like a woman finally. I made choices for myself. I slept and did whatever the fuck I wanted with whoever the fuck I wanted to do. I felt so liberated.
Then I felt too grown up and started acting dumb.
I worked at this produce stand every so often over the summer in a town about an hour away from where I live. I was working one Friday and knew that when I got off I didn't just want to go home. Luckily enough i had a friend who lived in this city and knew he would take me out.
I got off and bought a shirt that wasn't covered in dirt and rotten vegetable juice and drove to his house. When I got there he handed me the cigarettes I'd asked him to pick me up. I lite one up and he hooped on the back of his scooter and turned it on and told me to get on the back. Do you know how hard it is to smoke on the back of a moving scooter? Hard.He waited for me to finish at a stop sign.
I didn't wear a helmet on the scooter, which scared me a little bit.
We went out for pizza and talked and then walked along the boardwalk and talked then sat in the sand and talked. I remember holding his hand through out the night, which now makes me anxious because of the actions intimacy.
Then we went back to his house. He made me sea breezes in his bay side house, half filled with some coconut rum. I've never drank before, so soon enough I was totally obliterated, rubbing my ass on his dick to the rap music he'd put on sometime in the night, while I was busy downing another glass. Soon enough i couldn't even stand up. We sat on the couch and I laid back on his lap and he kissed me. Like some whore I started rubbing the crotch of his pants and kissing his neck. The next thing I knew he was helping me up the stairs and into his bed. We were kissing and i was instructing him to remove articles of my clothing. I'm not going to explain anymore. I sure you can imagine what happened next.
After the knocking of the boots, he was quick to jump up and take a shower. I didn't like that. It made me feel dirty. I hated laying in that bed alone like that. Truth be told though, I had enjoyed myself. The sex was amazing. As a person I didn't really like this person. He was kind of a douche bag, but when we came together though it was like magic. He gave really good head too which is definitely something I love for in a man.
I not really sure what happened. I know we had sex one more time then it was four o'clock in the morning and i thought i should probably get home. I thought I was sober enough to drive but looking back I'm not really sure because I vaguely remember yelling at a lady in the Millsboro MacDonald's drive through because their friers were broken and I couldn't get any fries and then stumbling into a royal farms and being pissed because the deli was no longer open. Then I went home for some of that deep darkness death slumber and woke up completely still happy and good. This night of deviancy did not bring me down. This is where i started to see the difference between fucking and
love making and realized both can be pretty fulfilling.
The aftermath of this event was ridiculous. Joey and me where talking and I mention what had happened that night. Joey has never been angry with anyone really. He was angry about that. For a while he wouldn't even talk to me. Apparently he had a problem with me also sleeping with his friends. I guess we had discussed it, but generally speaking when it came to hooking up, i didn't follow rules. Hook-ups were purely for pleasure. I wanted to do what i wanted to do.
After about a month, finally I texted him and told him I was sick of the silence we should get to together and talk because the whole situation was pissing me off as well. I hated drama and I hated that he thought he could tell me who to sleep with. Technically we were only friends and he had no claim to my vagina.
One day after school I picked him up and we went for a drive. I told exactly what i wrote above and he explained to me that he felt too jealous to really want anything to do with me because he knew I wouldn't stop doing anything just because he had a problem with it. Maybe that made me a bad friend but we weren't exactly friends, were we? Eventually he said it'd be best if we stayed out of each others pants.
Then I did something which I'd never done in front of any boy before.
I cried.
I felt somehow betrayed, unwanted. I didn't know how to just be friends with Joey. Always,always, always he had been more than a friend to me.
He started rubbing my shoulder awkwardly. I told him to stop and got him home as quickly as I could.
I went home and I know I was sad about this. I don't remember much about this period though. I guess there was still more anger and me not trying to talk to him and him still trying to talk to me though because that's it always is when we broke up before. Nothing really phased him it seemed. He never got sick of dealing with my crap. Soon enough we were talking and even hooked up once like wed decided not to.
Then one of my friends had a bonfire and we were both there. I was for what ever reason somewhat sad that night and was looking for someone to hook up with to no avail. I ended up like about half the party goers sleeping in her living room floor. Somehow or another me and joey ended up laying next to one another and you can probably imagine all the fornicating that happened subsequently.
Afterward though, we were just laying there and holding each other and really not saying anything. This feels incredibly intimate. Almost too intimate to put on a blog, even though countless times I've talked about sex. But that's why i want to share it, to show that I have seen the difference between intimacy and fucking and everyone should because intimacy is the way you fall in love. the danger is not in having sex.
I looked him in his face and i told him right there, some monster of emotion swelling in my stomach, my finger tips trying to grip onto this moment to capture the tingling feeling left on my skin, i told him, " I know this is crazy to say. We aren't even dating but I love you" I had said I love you to others before and even to joey before but never had it ever felt so right and true to say. Never in my life had i riped my beating heart right out of my chest and handed it to someone who hasn't shown any real investment in me yet and could easily crush it.
If he stayed silent I would have got up and left and went home and cut him out of my life forever. I wouldn't text him. I'd unfriend him on facebook. Whenever someone mentioned him I'd say " Joey who? I don't think I know him?" and ignore any attempt to make me remember. the only time i would let myself remember him would be when the lights were out and i was alone in my room and i could cry and cry and cry over the whole that surely would be left in my chest.
but he wasn't silent.
he said he loved me back.
which is why I'm writing this. With him i have a love story all my own. So epic and beautiful even in it ordinary-ness. Something that i want to share with everyone. I'm in love. I'm in love and i don't care who knows it. I have watching Kevin hart till the wee hours of the morning. I have climbing to the tops of the abandon buildings, i have sexy sexy time all the time because we never get sick of devouring one another. I have unafraid talks about the future and marriage and babies and dogs and houses on the ocean and Knowing, even when knowing completely kills me inside, that someday he will leave me to fight for our country in some stupid war i probably wont even believe in and knowing i will wait for him to return, counting every second hes away. Most of all I have someone who knows all the shit that comes with me and still loves me and want to take this broken girl and make her smile, make her feel better and miraculously can do it.
I cannot wait to grow up and pledge to this man that I'll forever be his.
I've always said i never wanted to get married because it's forever and I'm afraid of saying yes to something forever. but with him forever isn't scary. It's a necessity.
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