I hope my boyfriend's not reading this. Joey if you are stop it now. And if you do read it don't get all pissy with me about it. Fair warning: I did nothing wrong, but this could get uncomfortable.
I woke up this morning at 2 pm. Then the girl of my dreams cooked me chocolate chip pancakes and took me to the movies. This is the good life.
It's new years day. Last night I didn't get drunk or party or go out at all. Me and my best friend put on party hats, blew up balloons and sat in her living room with her dad and little brother to watch the ball drop. The only alcohol involved was a tiny flute of champagne her father poured for us each after the ball dropped. Then we popped the balloons and watched Insidious (which is really the scariest movie I've ever fucking saw) and went to bed.
I'm not going to preach. I've gotten drunk before. Partying really does look like fun. I just don't get invited to things like that. Which is pretty bittersweet. Not getting invited to things and not being "in" just doesn't feel too great, obviously. I know though if people recognized my awesomeness and saw me as a proper valid "cool" teenager, and by some chance I was invited to one of these parties, I know I would go and I would get shitfaced. When I drink, I do it to get fucked up. I'm anxious person, constantly worrying, and it feels good to do that. When I get drunk, I get touchy and flirty and super sexual. It takes nothing to get my clothes off. Last time I was drunk, it got late and I tried to drive home. Thank god the boy I was with wouldn't let me until we had had sex enough for me to sober up.
If I was a party-er I would be stupid. I would hurt people and kill myself.
Today I did not wake up with a hangover. I woke up with my best friend.
I guess my alcohol could be sex though. It makes me do some really dumb stuff too.
I've cheated on every boyfriend I've ever had except one.
Tonight a boy joined us at the movies. He was not bad looking. He was going into the army. He was funny. He bragged about how good he was in bed. He was courting my best friend.
I wanted him, real bad.
I kept telling my friend that she should date him or fuck him. She just wasn't into it. This made me more into it.
I have a boyfriend. I should not be thinking these things. I should be thinking about him. I shouldn't be laughing like this, flipping my hair and batting my lashes. I should be texting him and telling him i miss him. I shouldn't be wanting this ginger boy with honey eyes. I have a beautiful strong cuddly cocoa brown boyfriend who I'm in love with and always want.
But my boyfriend went to a party last night. A party thrown by a girl who thinks I'm a hoe and who made it clear to me that I was not wanted there. He spent the night too. I trust him. I know nothing happened but still I was bothered. Not by the fact that he may or may not been there flirting and kissing and only god knows what else with some other girl. It bothered me that he didn't notice that I really wasn't doing much that night and still chose to spend it with some other girl, who had said mean things about me ,who had made me feel bad about myself, who really didn't care that she hurt my feelings. Now I never want my boyfriend to feel like he can't be friends with someone just because I don't like them. But why doesn't he realize it hurt me that he's friends with someone that doesn't like me so much that they would hurt me.
He probably doesn't realize that I feel this way. and I'm not going to tell him. I'm not going to try to control him. I don't want to be the girlfriend he loses friends over.
I'm still bothered. Last time I cheated a boyfriend, I was bothered.
I've cheated on every boyfriend I've ever had
except for one.
One I love in a way I've never loved anyone before; powerfully, with every fiber in my being, passionately, in a way that it feels like no matter what I want to be with him and I feel like the universe wants that too. I love him in a way that makes me want to dress in white and before God pledge my heart to him and have little tan babies with his eyes and my nose and his quiet friendliness and my stoic thoughtfulness. I love him in a way that would never let me cause him pain because that would cause me pain.
No matter how good this boy looks I can't hurt my boyfriend.
Today is new year. I'm starting off strong, with whats important in clear view.
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