uninspired

I feel uninspired. Never have i felt so uncreative, so bored, so grey in my life.

I wear the same outfit everyday. tee shirt scarf jeans Uggs

I do the same things everyday. go to school stand or sit around awkwardly for about 7 hours go home sleep

I think the same things. nothing shallow thoughts about my self and others nothing

I used to have fun getting dressed. Putting together something weird to wear, cutting up clothes, painting them, tie dye. One of my favorite activities used to be coming up with different ways to wrap a scarf around my head.

I used to write and sing and paint and write and write and write and write.

Then I would think about how I felt and who I was. I would think about why Church didn't fulfill my like it fulfilled every one else . I wondered about bad people. And the earth. I thought about the earth and how i was part of it all and how that was such a beautiful thing; how no matter how ugly the world could be, it always still gets better. If you know where to look you can always find the sun.

Clinically speaking I was "depressed". I hate that word. It means sad, but i wasn't sad. i was happy being in my own head. I liked sleeping. I liked that my mind could take me to these dark places and I could wallow in that darkness long enough to write about it, but pull myself out before the darkness consumed me. I didn't cut myself or try to kill myself or hurt anyone.

A bit of darkness just lived inside me and I was okay with that.

I'm on pills now. They make going to school a lot easier and being with people a lot easier and just living in general a lot easier.

But they took a lot away from me. I can't think anymore; not like I used to.